Thirsty for a taste of relaxing oppression? Our She Gin Ping is sure to satisfy that need. Made with a citrusy gin imported directly from the Forbidden City and the tears of Taiwanese children (organic), this beverage will help you become a calm-you-nist in no time. 16


Scared that women might be better than you? Try our world-class Tonic Masculinity: 1 part Skinny Girl Vodka, 2 parts tonic water, topped with a splash of Bud Light—so you don’t have to worry about being gay, bro—garnished with a wittle pacifier and a tampon for stirring. 11


Do you want Hennessy on your lips? Why not take a little sip? Put privacy on the door, because this drink will make your shit grip. Served in an aesthetic 8-inch pipe, That’s Mai Tai offers you a flavorful experience, guaranteed to make you ride a dick all night. 23


Are you still using Mercury’s retrograde as an excuse to be a bitch? Why not give our Scorpi-Old Fashioned a try? Our unique blend of THC-infused whiskey and goji berry kombucha will realign your chakras, all while making you feel like an ascending Sagittarius whose pussy’s on fire. Served in a rose quartz glass with an amethyst straw, the Scorpi-Old Fashioned is specially crafted for those who accept astrological readings to the extent that they coincide with their own preconceived world views. 13


Do you travel often but care about the political state of affairs in your home country? No drink screams feigned responsibility and authentic pretension quite like our original Long Island Absinthe Tea (Ballot). Prepared in the finest of crystal vessels and garnished with an “I Voted” sticker, this cocktail is guaranteed to make your vote count.  5.38


Did you keep up with the impeachment proceedings? What was the point? It was all just a sham anyway. Why not try a glass of our crisp This Is A Sham-Pain champagne? This smooth, crisp champagne is very good…much better than other champagnes…the best…very great…PHENOMENAL. We recommend enjoying a glass every time Schiff hits the fan or the fear of nuclear war creeps into your psyche. 45


Social justice reform not going the way you’d like? Nothing cleanses the palate of white patriarchy and systemic racism quite like our A. O. Seagrams on I.C.E. This beverage is served in a recycled, compostable, cardboard cup (produced by a cooperative), with a paper straw that falls apart faster than the icecaps. It’s sure to (immi)grant you the strength to survive the 10 years we have left on this planet. 14


Do you like Piña coladas and interfering with elections? If you’re not into China; if you love Kim Jong-un; if you like keeping Muslims out of the depths of your cave; then this is the drink that you’ve looked for. Order it—and escape! Served in a tiny glass for tiny hands, the tropical flavors of our Piña Collusion will have you cocoNutting all evening long.   48.52

* Disclaimer: The items within this mxnu are only suggestions. They should not be utilized in real-world analytic products as they are based on very limited and dated open source information. The views and opinions expressed in this mxnu are those of the mxnu and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Thinq Inc.

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